


Can't Open up My Heart without a Care

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: A Thousand Years [2]
Category: Demi Lovato: Path to Fame
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cuddling & Snuggling, Drabble, F/F, Insecurity, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6403726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryland told you of her tendency to push people away, not letting them get too close. She has not told you the reason for this, however. Nor does she intend to. Not yet. // Waking up with you still asleep in her arms, Ryland’s mind wanders.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Open up My Heart without a Care

            Your best friend stayed the night at Dante’s last night. It seemed the perfect excuse to invite Ryland over. While waiting for the next leg of the tour, Ryland had chosen to stay in the LA area, since virtually every other member of the tour was there as well. It was far more convenient for them to travel that way, she had reasoned.

            The other reason was you. Things had just been set right between the two of you before the end of the European leg of the tour, and secretly, Ryland wasn’t so sure you knew each other well enough yet to manage months of long distance, only able to make video calls that would end up at odd hours for one of you and ending up knowing little of each other’s lives. She remembered how much she and Gabriella had grown apart as her family’s financial troubles made it harder and harder to visit the castle, and of course the King and Queen would never let Gabriella go to Ryland’s house. Perhaps it would have been easier if they had been able to do video calls, but she wasn’t particularly convinced of that. Distance was _hard,_ plain and simple.

            Of course, Ryland didn’t relate this concern. In her typical manner, she had instead flirtatiously added that she didn’t want to be away from her cœur for so long. That might be a bit much to justify the cost of renting an apartment for these months, but with the former, additional explanation of the convenience of it being closer to her other tourmates, nobody objected. She also didn’t miss the slightly hidden, flattered and joyed smile you wore. You, too, had been aware of the strains distance can put upon people – just look at how it had impacted the relationship between you and Callie. Plus, you would have missed Ryland a _lot._

            Last night, the two of you had had a fairly simple date. In LA, there were plenty of opportunities for romance, but not very many for privacy. It was hardly as though the two of you weren’t used to it, but sometimes it was a bit frustrating to you when, during a romantic evening, you suddenly had cameras flashing in your face or fans requesting photos and signatures. So last night, the two of you had stayed in, ordered takeout and cuddled on the couch while watching movies until the two of you felt like changing activities.

            It wasn’t the first time you had been physically intimate with each other. But this time, afterward, with it being night and both of you sleepy, you had requested, “Stay?” Other times there had been things one of you needed to attend to the next morning, or your time together had been during the day, or other such factors that prevented the two of you from actually spending a night together. But that night, there was nothing in the way.

            She certainly wasn’t going to object; Ryland loved any chance to spend a little extra time with you. Arms wrapping around you, she agreed.

            The next morning, Ryland woke before you. Not wanting to disturb you, she decided to stay where she was, arms still around you, until you woke.

            It was somehow more intimate than she would have expected, Ryland thought. This was the first time she had shared a bed with someone she truly felt she… _loved_. Really and truly loved. All of the firsts you had together always seemed to give her a new perspective on things. She had had both meaningful and meaningless sex before, but it was only with you that she truly felt how much it could really be sharing yourself with someone, if you were willing to allow that, and it was as magical as it was nearly frightening. Similarly, she had shared beds with partners in the past, but something just felt incredibly _special_ about it with you.

            Or perhaps she was simply feeling particularly sentimental this morning, she mused, still feeling the peaceful happiness that was waking with you in her arms. Wasn’t the extent of that feeling a new sensation for her too, though? She didn’t consider herself particularly one for sentimentality, after all.

            She had loved before, a few times. Or at least, at those times, she had thought herself in love. And yet, reflecting on it now, she wondered if she had been mistaken. She had loved them in a way, she supposed, but… what she had felt for them paled intensely in light of her feelings for you. It was like nothing she had ever experienced before.

            _–It will hurt terribly when this comes to an end._

            The thought, coming very much unbidden, hit her like an arrow through the chest. The thought of inevitably losing you was physically painful, and if she hadn’t had such a practiced automatic composure in the face of just about any emotion, it might have even showed. Still, with you asleep and your back turned to her, unable to question it, she cuddled closer to you, forehead resting against your shoulder, as though that could make the caustic thought disappear and stop it from forming into a tormenting spiral.

            But who was she kidding? She was usually more or less able to keep her bitter insecurities repressed, but when they surfaced, there was generally little she could do to stop the feelings until they passed. Sometimes it was quickly, as though it had simply been a fleeting thought. But other times, she took reprieve only in sleep if tired enough, hoping to wake in a better mood. Part of her knew that one might, if she were to tell them – which she absolutely could not picture herself ever doing – suggest that she write her feelings down. After all, was she not a song-writer?

            Even so, she could not bring herself to. Even if it was something written for nobody’s eyes but her own, disposed of without ever being read, somehow, writing it down forced her to acknowledge that she really did have these feelings, which she deemed horribly weak. She preferred to pretend that they didn’t exist, even though she was well aware she wasn’t fooling herself in the slightest, and having them on paper staring her in the face made that even more difficult than it already was.

            But as for you…

            You were so kind. It was hard for her to imagine you simply tiring of someone and discarding of them. That wasn’t her fear, however. At least not with you.

            You knew her better than she had ever allowed anyone else to know her. She still kept a few things about herself from you, such as this, but you knew things like that when she pushed people away or was disinclined to open up, it was for fear of being hurt. With something as significant as this still obscured from you, she couldn’t exactly feel you knew everything about her. Perhaps it was partly that uncertainty that frightened her; what might change if you came to know the aspects that remained hidden. Ryland had never permitted anyone else to know her as you did. Even with seeing only the best parts of herself, or her façade, when the novelty of her flirtations wore off, it seemed to her that all her past girlfriends realized she was really nothing special, became disillusioned, and left her.

            What if you simply had not yet stopped feeling the novelty of being flirted with as she did? From what Ryland had seen at the castle, your ex’s attempt at 'flirting’ was rather abysmal. Perhaps, beauty though you were, inside and out, you simply were not used to sincere flirting.

            People also tended to treat her differently if they found out she was royalty. It was rare for her to tell people, as she had you, about how destitute she had been until after the Euro-talent contest, and so they always made all sorts of assumptions. Luckily, perhaps in part because of that information having been received beforehand, you treated her no differently past your initial surprise. Having been trying to prevent herself from becoming as attached to you as she already knew herself to be – desiring to keep things light and risk-free – it was at that point that she knew she had lost the battle. She _loved_ you, no matter how less-than-ideal the circumstances were.

            And you had come to return her love, and that had made everything worth it. But there remained a gnawing fear that never entirely left the subconscious of Ryland’s mind. Even when she forgot it, it had a way of lurking to the surface when your conversations took turns that revealed even small vulnerabilities of hers. The fear that you would discover her to be less than the façade she always wore – she now let it loosen around you, but never, even when alone, did she let it truly fall. The fear that you would realize these insecurities, as well as whatever it was about her that seemed to make everybody she had let herself care about abandon her. Certainly, you would then become disillusioned and join those people, leaving to find someone better.

            For all her flirtation, Ryland had vowed before never again to open her heart to someone as she had to you. Every time she had, it only led to her getting hurt, making it appear to her a certainty. Getting close to someone, trusting them, meant nothing but an impending hurt, ever looming on the horizon. But she couldn’t help it. She hadn’t been able to stop her feelings for you.

            And it would hurt terribly when you, who she had opened herself to in a way she hadn’t done with anyone in a long time, who she loved more than she had loved anyone… left her. When this illusion, so perfect she might half wonder if it was not but a dream, would shatter.

            It was that feeling which had led her to want to push you away, but she couldn’t find reprieve in even that. Knowing it hurt you, it would be just as painful to her as she imagined it would be when the time came for your rejection.

            So instead, she feared, and she tried to hide the parts of herself she deemed weak or in any way undesirable. That way, perhaps you would continue to love her for a while longer. Perhaps this phantasm could be sustained a little longer in that way, and she could go on trying to pretend she wasn’t entirely certain there would be eventual fallout.

            Soon, you stirred, turning to look at Ryland.

            As soon as she felt you move, she put on a smile. It was not wholly insincere, as she really was happy to be able to greet you like this, but it certainly was no accident that it entirely concealed what she had been thinking mere moments before.

            “Good morning, my Sleeping Beauty,” Ryland said, giving a brief kiss.

            You smiled. “You didn’t have to wait for me to wake up, you know.”

            “I didn’t wake up all that long ago myself,” she replied, deciding it was more or less the truth. “Besides, I would never mind being next to Ma Princesse.”

            You kiss her, entirely oblivious to the troubled thoughts that had been plaguing her mere seconds ago. “I love you, Ryland.”

            Maybe it wouldn’t last forever. She felt certain of that. But if she was going to end up hurt no matter what, then there was no reason not to at least enjoy it while it lasted. “Je t’aime aussi, Mon Étoile.”


End file.
